Banger

And I’m at that weird point again where there’s all this energy but not that much done by the end. My hands shake in excitement for all the punches I’ll take and still there’s no fight happening outside; there’s struggle that’s clear. But the anxiety I feel for doing things that are easy to do, I really can’t explain it.

There’s something weird about feeling great with whatever happens but feeling frozen in the face of minimal responsibility. I like to brag about how much I’m willing to take punches, I just did. But what does that even mean? Who’s giving me trouble for this much angst that I feel? It’s easy to say that your biggest enemy is yourself, when truly you’re not your enemy, you’re just you. You know? No need to put fancy words to make sense of it.

I’m getting used to calling every song I like a “banger” and other stuff as well. It doesn’t really mean anything in particular, just expanding the slang into other worlds of meaning that I have. It’s funny to see some of my closer friends start using it with the same purpose. But today, specifically today, I’d like to think that maybe it means more than just “cool”. ‘Banger’ helps me survive the verbiage that I put myself through on a daily basis. No need to explain how I feel about a particular subject, I can just call it a ‘banger’ and that’s it.

The past few weeks have been a mix of experiencing ‘banger’ stuff developing in my life, but at the same time I still feel that it’s not enough for me not to try and explain.

I wish I was undisputed in my thoughts.

I wish that I didn’t really wish to finally hear the ‘banger’ sound a gun makes.